Showering the Baby

Somtimes, when I miss my friends, I tend to wander back into my inbox and re-read random emails we would have exchanged (no, it's not creepy. People do it ALL the time!). There are some people who like to clear their inbox. I hardly ever delete emails (unless they're junk, ads or one of those virus ones), so I have emails that go back YEARS.  That's a healthy archive to rely on a nostalgic day. 

This is an excerpt from an email I found - written by me on the 11th of January 2011. It was sent to a group of friends. We were invited to a friend's baby shower and below was the dialogue that went on between my dad and me, when I was asking for permission to go. We live in Abu Dhabi, and the shower was in Dubai in the evening, which meant I would have to spend the night at another friend's house. If you are Sri Lankan, you know that is a seriously taboo suggestion to ever bring up!

(Names have been changed for security purposes. Not really. I just feel like substituting their names)
 
me: ...they have a really trusted driver...
dad: (interrupting me) Like Hassan? (the driver who picked and dropped me from uni for 3 years and knows us since we were babies)
me: Yes deda, like Hassan...
dad: (interrupting again) Good for them..
me: Yes. It is. So, he can drop us at Karima's house when the party is over .
dad: And why would you want to disturb them like that?
me: No no no! i didn't offer. I actually said no. But Noorhan (friend who's baby shower is was) insists. She said they would be more than happy to...
dad: Okay.
me: So I can go?!
dad: No. In the middle of the night? What are you thinking Fathi?
me: (sigh!) Okay, but she also said Mahmoud (Noorhan's husband) and she (Noorhan) can drop us if we aren't comfortable with Hassan.
dad: Who is Mahmoud?
me: Her husband.
dad: Whose husband?
me: Noorhan's.
dad: Noorhan is married?
me: YES! That's why shes having a baby shower!
dad: I don't know Fathi! Why would you want to go there and give her and the baby a bath and all that? Its...its a shame.
me: NO NO NO! Its called a baby shower. But there is no real shower. We just give gifts, play games, have fun and all that, before the baby is born. That's all.
dad: Okay visit her on another day and give her what you want.
me: But this is an occasion deda! I've already told her we're coming (semi-lie, Noorhan knew we might not come because of transport issues).
dad: (watches tv like we're not having a conversation).
me: So can I go?
dad: Where?
me: (start clenching teeth) To the baby shower. Noori and Mahmoud can drop us back to Karima's house in the end.
dad: Who is Noori?
me: Noorhan!
dad: So you want to come in between husband and wife?
me: Huh?
dad: They will be tired and want to go home and you will sit in the car and say take me to Karima's house?
me: THEY offered! You think I'll ask them for something like that?
dad: You know how much problems you can make between husband and wife?
me: What??? No!! What are you saying????
dad: And shes pregnant.
me: So??
dad: She'll be very tired. She shouldn't have all these parties anyway. 
me: Deda!! Can I go or no???
dad: (raising voice slightly and having grumpier expression) I don't know Fathi. Do whatever you want. You dont listen to what we say. (NOT TRUE!!)
me: Deda!
dad: (continues watching tv).
me: Fine! I'm not going! I told her I'm coming (semi-lie) and now I'll tell her I cant - AND she's pregnant! (irrelevant information, but at this point both of us were rather exhausted I think).

Basically my dad thought my friend and I will be a cause of divorce between Noori and Mahmoud and that curse will follow our families forever and nobody will marry me if they knew I went to give my pregnant friend and her baby (who was not born yet) a (actual) shower (with water and soap and whatnot). 

I ended up having a cold the next day, so I wouldn't have been able to make it anyway, but this is one example of the many highly logical and persuading conversations I've had with my dad. Sigh! 

Still love him though! x

P.S. Noori gave birth to a beautiful baby boy and now, a year later, is pregnant with her second bundle of joy! :D
This is not a picture of her baby though. I just found it on Google.

Why I dont #$^*#!@$^*^%$^*%^

I don't swear (actually, I try my best not too). With that I don't mean the swear that refers to you promising upon God, your mother, etc. I'm talking about the "dirty language" (as my father would call it with a frown on his face); the words that are censored (most of the time) and replaced with unrelated symbols instead of letters (such as #$%&^&!$#%&*). I do get asked if I can swear, and the answer to that is yes, of course I can. Anyone can. It's just another word and as long as they can speak, they can be taught to say anything.

Anyway, there are 4 main reasons why I try my best not to swear (I actually don't have to try very hard anymore, but adding 'try my best' to that sentence sort of...completed it):


1 - Religious reasons: Islam (and I'm pretty sure every other religion as well) talks against sins of the tongue. This is not limited to just swearing; it includes gossiping, backbiting, lying, cursing and many others. We have been advised to choose our words carefully and guard our tongue. A hadith says "people are not thrown into the hell fire on their faces or noses, but due to the result of their tongues" (Al-Tirmidhi). I'm okay with NOT being thrown into a fire burning for millions of years, thank you!

2 - Social reasons: This is all about setting a good example for the younger children and being respectful to others (older and younger). It is also all about not wanting to be given the crazy eyes look and a 'nice one' from my parents. By 'nice one' I mean the sensation of extreme pain when the palm of your sri lankan parent meets your face, causing you to hear sounds similar to a thunder storm even though the weather outside is just fine.That's a pretty strong reason to NOT swear.

3 - Confused reasons: The 'art' of swearing has gotten me confused. I mean, if someone does something you do not agree with, how does asking them to go copulate with themselves, or to copulate off, make any sense?? Or if a particular person is being mean, how does calling them a female dog (extremely sexist by the way! The male dog is to be equally blamed for their actions! You cannot clap with just one hand!) resolve anything? Think about it.

4 - An equally (if not more) important reason - Dramatic reasons: That's right. Wipe that confused look off your face. I know what you're thinking: wouldn't someone aimlessly swearing left and right during all relevant and irrelevant times be more likely to be labeled as dramatic because they are, well, causing drama? Not necessarily. Since I am someone who does not swear on a regular (or irregular) basis, if I do happen to open my mouth and spill filth, admit it, would everyone not stare with their eyes wide open and hand over their mouth? If I get really mad and tell someone that he/she is a female dog and they should just copulate themselves - it would catch them off guard! They would know that I am REALLY mad and they should run away and hide for, you know, their own safety and what not. What better way to shoo away the bad guys (you might not get this last bit if you aren't Sri Lankan)?

Four main reasons apart, the REAL reason why I try not to swear is because I don't like to. As simple as that - I don't like it. It's dirty language (okay so maybe my father's words have gotten to me). I just think that there are so many other words to use to express one's self. When you think about it, swearing really doesn't achieve much, or make a lot of sense (see above: main reason 3) in many cases. There are a few people out there who choose to swear to express their emotions, and that's their choice. It's their way and I don't think it's fair for me to say "once more and I'll give you a nice one" to them.  Or is it?

Aye Macarena!

Aye Macarena! I never understood a single word they said, but I loved it! I was also proud that I could do the macarena dance so well, until this happened: on one of my birthday parties (with non of my friends but a lot of aunties and short eats) ages ago I was FORCED to do the macarena dance in front of everyone. Being the shy girl I was (and still sort of am) naturally, I refused. That's when I learnt an important life lesson: never say no to your Sri Lankan parent; especially not in front of the visitors!

I was shown the crazy eyes and threatened in a voice so low that I had to lip read what my mom was saying. I was told if I didn't do the macarena RIGHT NOW in front of everyone, I won't get to cut my birthday cake! With teary eyes, I walk very slowly near a group of aunties who smiled from ear to ear "ah, shes going to macarena now!" And I did it. I did the macarena dance throughout the entire song, all by myself, in the middle(ish, it was actually close to a corner) of a room full of aunties. I also got to blow the candles and cut my birthday cake, so peace was restored and all went well.

Now about 15 years later, the only dance I can do is still the macarena! Luckily it works for every song. It really does. Try it! You just have to vary the tempo depending on the song. 

Although at the time my mom forcing me to do the macarena in front of all those aunties may have seemed like slight torture (I still love her though), it really wasn't! All this means is that I have been trained well. So now when a Sri Lankan family comes to me with a marriage proposal, and asks me if I know how to cook, walk, dance, etc I can make them awesome scrambled eggs, walk to the center of the room, and do the macarena! Surely they will be impressed (wishful thinking)! Sigh!

Excuse the terrible outfits, but enjoy the song! Aye Macarena!

Success and Toothpaste

A typical job interview normally ends with "do you have any questions for us?". Now, what kind of a question is that, and what is a smart way to tackle it? First of all, I'm not too sure about the efficiency of interviews. There are so many 'How to pass a Job Interview with flying colours' (what exactly are flying colours anyway?) tips out there that most of the responses received seem almost standard and revised, but I'm not going to go out there and challenge what could be one of the oldest and widely used recruiting techniques.

Secondly, the question itself; "do you have any questions for us?" Aren't interviewees expected to research and know every nut and bolt about the organization, job, history, geography, office supplies, pantry supplies and all other supplies before going for the interview? Wouldn't the answer generally be "no", or are there any intelligent questions that could set you apart from the crowd? Google says yes there are!

A questions that could be asked in response to the "do you have any questions for us?" question (I'll give you a moment to read that again) is: how do you measure success in this organization? Sounds like a good question. Shows you are committed to learn, grow and adapt; shows commitment and ambition. But let us broaden it a little bit: how do you measure success? In general, in life, just how does one measure success? Now, we could go on and on and on about the insides, outsides and flying colours (seriously, what are flying colours?!) of what success is and how it is to be measured, and still not reach a final conclusion. This is where we prove to be weak and unstable. You see, Sri Lankan parents are one step ahead of the entire world. They have actually been able to crack the secret code of measuring success!! How did I discover this? The answer is: Toothpaste.

The other day my mom went into the washroom complaining "does anyone in this house brush their teeth?" Translation: "We need to replace the empty tube of toothpaste". When she came out I was digging through the closet of supplies for a new tube. She saw me carry it to the washroom.
Me: Okay, found it. (referring to the toothpaste. Being able to successfully locate anything in the mom's highly organized closet is a victory to be announced to the whole world (or house)).
Mama: You're taking a new one?
Me: Ummm...yes.
Mama: I was able to squeeze out enough toothpaste to brush 2 or 3 times. (She really was able to do that!)
Me: Ummm...okay.

And this is the magical moment when the discovery was made...

Mama: *Sigh!* You will never be successful in your life.
Me: *Shocked!* What? Because I couldn't squeeze out more toothpaste from an empty tube?
Mama: *With a serious face* Yes.

So there you have it. Toothpaste. If you are able to squeeze out more toothpaste from an empty tube, consider yourself successful in life.

Success and an empty tube of toothpaste - an unlikely match, yet a highly reliable measure. Never will I, or any of you, be able to see an empty tube of toothpaste the same again.