Planning the Unplanned

A young lady leaves the country she was born and bought up in to pursue work opportunities abroad and support her family. Never before had a female from that family left home, let alone the country, to work. But these were desperate times. Every aeroplane she sees in the sky brings tears to her eyes. She counts the days and even the hours before she can be together with her parents and brothers again. It was a one year contract. Time was not moving fast enough.

Her employer calls her into his office one day. He has received an urgent telegram - her mother was sick. He reassures her about her job and tells her to remain calm, but he thinks she should go back home for a visit. The 7 hour long flight seemed to take forever.

She arrives at the airport. Most of her family was there except her mother. She panics a little. The car isn't going towards the hospital. They are driving home instead. She panics a little more. She expects the worst. She imagines walking into her family home and seeing the funeral of her mother. But she was so healthy when she left. How could things go so wrong so quickly? It had only been three months. She enters the house. There was no funeral. Her mother's body was not in the middle of the living room waiting for the last rites to be completed, as is customary in Sri Lanka. The house and all the people there were calm, but not a peaceful calm. There was tension in the air and nobody was talking. That made it worse. She greets everyone, and asks to be taken to the hospital to see her mother. She was at the verge of tears but being the strong person she is, she refuses to let her weakness to be shown. An older lady bursts into tears. She knew but didn't know at the same time. That's when they told her: her mother passed away days ago. She wouldn't get to see her for the last time. Or say goodbye. That was it. She was gone.

And with that a part of her died too.

A few days later she returns back to her job, in a country far away from her own. She had arranged for all the traditional rituals to be completed even after she was gone. This time there was no anxiousness. The aeroplanes in the sky did not bring tears to her eyes. She stopped counting the days and the hours before she can return to her father and her brothers. She lost a part of her being in Sri Lanka. Work took up all of her time and she settled in very well to her new environment. She saw the beauty of the gardens and the kindness of the people. The one year contract was extended and renewed again, and again, and again. There was nothing much left to hold onto from her past.

That was about to change when a few years later her employer got another phone call.

Extended family didn't really think too much about this young lady's future. She wasn't going to be young forever, and the only person who seemed very worried about this was her father. Marriage was the last thing on her mind. It was as if she had passed that stage - there was no more excitement when prospective suitors were mentioned. She had stopped caring and did not want to go through that chapter of life that she was once earnestly looking forward to. She flew back to Sri Lanka on another emergency leave. This time she was taken straight to the hospital. His situation was bad and he was getting worse every day. He seemed to have reached a point between life and death - he wasn't very much alive, but he wasn't dead either. The only emotion he would show was when he would see his worried daughter. He wanted to see her married. He wanted to know that she would be settled and cared for - that she wouldn't be alone in this world after everyone else moves on. Tears would flow from his eyes as he would gather the little energy he had to pray out loud. He wanted to know his daughter would be okay.

She tells her aunt to find someone. Anyone. She accepts to marry the next person who comes forward with a marriage proposal. This wasn't a decision for the romantic life she imagined she would have after marriage or for the children she wanted to raise. Instead, this was a decision to put the father she loved so much at peace.

Meanwhile, in another part of Colombo is another story. A young man had also left the country and the people he loved to work abroad. He earned pocketfuls of money and was able to give his family a decent life - their own house, regular meals, better clothes and a lot of added privileges. It was a hard life but returning home every year to see the happiness on his mother's face made it all worth it. She was all that mattered to him - his mother. Being the eldest son, he knew her sufferings. He saw her cry every night. He knew she gave up her meal so that she can try to feed her 8 children. But his hard work and efforts had bought better times for his family. In fact, he had raised their standards of living so high that at times they forgot their difficult beginnings.

The mother knew though that as much as he thought of his family, not many people would think of him in return. Yes, they loved him. But they did not have his traits of responsibility and ambition. His whole life he had been working for the family. It was time the family did something for him. She put out the word that she is looking for a bride for her eldest son. By that time he had a reputation of his own. Even though he lived out of the country for most of the year, people witnessed the great things he had done for his family.

This news reaches the ears of a father, looking for a husband for his only daughter. He sends messengers to bring forward the prospect of uniting the two families together. The young man's family thought about it and decided that she would be a good match for him. They visited the bride's family and after a quick introduction between the future bride and groom the engagement formalities were completed. This girl was spoken for this man. He had to return to Saudi Arabia to complete his contract, and when he returns a year later the marriage will take place.

He knew he had found the one he would spend the rest of his life with. Everything he heard about her and heard from her reassured him the right choice was made. His heart was filled with joy and excitement. The idea of marriage didn't really cross his mind before, but now that everything was confirmed, his mind wandered off to the future often. He couldn't wait to have his own family, his own children. His real life was about to begin.

 He orders for suits to be tailored for his father, brother and himself. Everything should be ready and perfect for next year. His contract finishes and he informs the company that he does not wish to renew. They ask him to reconsider - it is an important decision he has to make. He smiles, thanks them and lets them know that he has already taken an important decision, and he intends on committing to it. They wish him well and he returns back to his homeland, ready to start a whole new chapter of his life.

A few days after he arrives, wedding arrangements start to slow down. The joy and positive tension in the air was slowly being replaced with worry and negativity. His sister lets him know that they want to call off the engagement. Confusion and anger took over him. Why would this happen? Why now when they were so close? Apparently the family received information about the bride's past - something about a tarnished reputation. They were not 100% sure, but they didn't want to take a risk. He thought that this was all just silly and asked his family to think about it again. This is the reputation of an unmarried girl - do not talk about it unless you are very very sure! They had made up their mind - this girl was not going to marry their boy. But he had made up his mind too - he was not going to let them play with his life.

The only person who was quiet in this crowd was his mother. He walks up to her, cups her face in his hands and asks her what she thinks. She looks up at her eldest son, her eyes confused, but her opinion escaped her lips. She did not want this girl to be his bride. That's all it took. At that moment he pushed aside every hope and dream he had of growing a family, his family, with the girl he was briefly introduced to a year ago. He quietly removes the ring that had reminded him of an important life decision he had made and places it in the palm of his mother and then walks away.

He quickly found another job, this time in the U.A.E. He prepared himself to start another career in another country, far away from his own. Many other marriage proposals were bought to him, but none interested him. He had gone down that road once, and he didn't want to go through it again - not so soon at least.

A few months remained before his new contract begins. His mother sees something missing in her son. She feels guilty of perhaps hurting him without knowing it. She grew even more worried about his future. Her asthma condition became worse. She started crying again at night. She couldn't sleep properly anymore. Her son noticed her situation getting worse; her breathing even more difficult.

He knew what would make her feel better. He hugged her and told her that he accepts to marry the next girl she believes to be suitable. This wasn't a decision for the romantic life he imagined he would have after marriage or for the children he wanted to raise. Instead, this was a decision to put the mother he loved so much at peace.

A family friend approaches the mother and tells her about this young lady who had just come back from work abroad to visit her very sick father. Her mother had died years ago and her father is not in a very good condition. They are looking for a suitable groom and the marriage take place as soon as possible. She speaks highly of this young lady's character, upbringing and morals. Something tugged at this mother's heart. She tells the family friend to inform the other family - they would come to see the lady that very afternoon.

She were more than pleased by her. She had the exact characteristics and traits that would suit her son. She felt sorry for the situation her father was in and for her losing her mother, but she knew she would be able to take care of girl as her own. Since it was so sudden, they didn't have time to prepare. The mother removes her own ring and places it on the finger of the young lady. She was spoken for. The engagement was complete.

The young lady takes it all in her stride. She didn't have energy to be shocked. She was neither happy nor upset. This is exactly what she had asked for. She walks up to her father, lying in his bed. She touches his hair. He wakes up and looks at her with his sad eyes. She shows him the ring. He knows. He touches his only daughter's face and smiles for the first time. She smiles back, knowing she had made the right decision. He places his hands on his chest, closes his eyes, and says in one final breath "Allahu Akbar" (God is great). That was all he wanted to see. He wanted to know that she would be settled and cared for - that she wouldn't be alone in this world after everyone else moves on. Now he knew. Now he could move on.

Exactly 40 days after her father's death, exactly 40 days after she had become an orphan, she puts on her veil and looks at herself in the mirror. She was the bride at the wedding tonight. The excitement her mother would have had, or the tension her father would have had on the biggest day of their daughter's life was missing. They were missing. They were missed. There was no joy dancing in her eyes. She had seen her father breath his last with those very eyes. Just 40 days ago.

The groom enters the wedding hall and lays eyes on the lady he will be spending the rest of his life with for the first time. They hadn't seen each other, nor spoken to each other. This marriage wasn't a decision for themselves. It was a decision taken for their parents; by their parents. She was nothing he imagined his wife to look like. He felt sorry for what she went through, but he didn't like her. It was too late now though. The nikaah (marriage contract) was signed, the rings exchanged, the dinner being served. It was too late.

Fast forward to the present day. 

As much as they weren't fond of each other on a day most couples fall in love - on their wedding day; they found out very soon after that they were perfect for each other. Were their personalities the same? No. Not even close. But that's what made them perfect - they completed each other. She was his strength when he was at his weakest and he protected her when she was the most naive. They rarely agreed with each other, but they were a team when it came to the outside world. A whole and complete team. Looking back at the different episodes in their lives, they might have been absolutely destroyed if it wasn't for the presence of each other.

He found that he fell in love with her morals and principles. He was able to trust her and never doubted her throughout their marriage. She saw beyond his short temper and was able to find the caring husband she never thought to exist in him. They had the children they always wanted to raise. They got the life they always wanted.

Only it was given to them when they least expected.

-x-x-x-x-x-

You see, if that lady's mother was alive, she would not have waited so long to give her daughter in marriage. If her father did not fall ill, the lady would not have accepted the next proposal that came to her without even seeing the man. If that young man's engagement did not break and his mother not fall ill, he would not have agreed to marry the next girl his mother thought was suitable. Years into their marriage, they find out they were the best for each other in every possible way.

Everything happens for a reason. Even though at the time nothing makes sense and nothing good could ever come out of it, God has a greater plan. These were difficult times that both the young lady and young man were going through. They were being tested. Their plans were going wrong. They accepted their fate for other reasons, but in reality, they were the ones who benefited the most.

This is not written in support of arranged marriages, or children accepting  marriage when parents threaten them with ill health or a failing heart. I'm not saying that their parents had to fall sick and even pass away for them to have happy lives.I'm not saying don't be proactive, a planner and just wait for fate to play its game. No. It's just that when things don't go your way, no matter how much you thought it through, try to remain calm and look forward to the point in your life (it may be near, it may be far) when it will all make sense. This is probably easier said than done, but keep faith. 

Keep faith in the Creator, Superior power, Master, Boss, Big Guy, God - whatever title you give Him. Better times will come.

I know it will.

This was a true story by the way. The young lady is my mother. The young man is my father.

Showering the Baby

Somtimes, when I miss my friends, I tend to wander back into my inbox and re-read random emails we would have exchanged (no, it's not creepy. People do it ALL the time!). There are some people who like to clear their inbox. I hardly ever delete emails (unless they're junk, ads or one of those virus ones), so I have emails that go back YEARS.  That's a healthy archive to rely on a nostalgic day. 

This is an excerpt from an email I found - written by me on the 11th of January 2011. It was sent to a group of friends. We were invited to a friend's baby shower and below was the dialogue that went on between my dad and me, when I was asking for permission to go. We live in Abu Dhabi, and the shower was in Dubai in the evening, which meant I would have to spend the night at another friend's house. If you are Sri Lankan, you know that is a seriously taboo suggestion to ever bring up!

(Names have been changed for security purposes. Not really. I just feel like substituting their names)
 
me: ...they have a really trusted driver...
dad: (interrupting me) Like Hassan? (the driver who picked and dropped me from uni for 3 years and knows us since we were babies)
me: Yes deda, like Hassan...
dad: (interrupting again) Good for them..
me: Yes. It is. So, he can drop us at Karima's house when the party is over .
dad: And why would you want to disturb them like that?
me: No no no! i didn't offer. I actually said no. But Noorhan (friend who's baby shower is was) insists. She said they would be more than happy to...
dad: Okay.
me: So I can go?!
dad: No. In the middle of the night? What are you thinking Fathi?
me: (sigh!) Okay, but she also said Mahmoud (Noorhan's husband) and she (Noorhan) can drop us if we aren't comfortable with Hassan.
dad: Who is Mahmoud?
me: Her husband.
dad: Whose husband?
me: Noorhan's.
dad: Noorhan is married?
me: YES! That's why shes having a baby shower!
dad: I don't know Fathi! Why would you want to go there and give her and the baby a bath and all that? Its...its a shame.
me: NO NO NO! Its called a baby shower. But there is no real shower. We just give gifts, play games, have fun and all that, before the baby is born. That's all.
dad: Okay visit her on another day and give her what you want.
me: But this is an occasion deda! I've already told her we're coming (semi-lie, Noorhan knew we might not come because of transport issues).
dad: (watches tv like we're not having a conversation).
me: So can I go?
dad: Where?
me: (start clenching teeth) To the baby shower. Noori and Mahmoud can drop us back to Karima's house in the end.
dad: Who is Noori?
me: Noorhan!
dad: So you want to come in between husband and wife?
me: Huh?
dad: They will be tired and want to go home and you will sit in the car and say take me to Karima's house?
me: THEY offered! You think I'll ask them for something like that?
dad: You know how much problems you can make between husband and wife?
me: What??? No!! What are you saying????
dad: And shes pregnant.
me: So??
dad: She'll be very tired. She shouldn't have all these parties anyway. 
me: Deda!! Can I go or no???
dad: (raising voice slightly and having grumpier expression) I don't know Fathi. Do whatever you want. You dont listen to what we say. (NOT TRUE!!)
me: Deda!
dad: (continues watching tv).
me: Fine! I'm not going! I told her I'm coming (semi-lie) and now I'll tell her I cant - AND she's pregnant! (irrelevant information, but at this point both of us were rather exhausted I think).

Basically my dad thought my friend and I will be a cause of divorce between Noori and Mahmoud and that curse will follow our families forever and nobody will marry me if they knew I went to give my pregnant friend and her baby (who was not born yet) a (actual) shower (with water and soap and whatnot). 

I ended up having a cold the next day, so I wouldn't have been able to make it anyway, but this is one example of the many highly logical and persuading conversations I've had with my dad. Sigh! 

Still love him though! x

P.S. Noori gave birth to a beautiful baby boy and now, a year later, is pregnant with her second bundle of joy! :D
This is not a picture of her baby though. I just found it on Google.

Colourful Meanings

I love bangles! Glass, plastic, metal, wooden - any kind, I don't discriminate when it comes to my love for bangles.

I remember playing hide and seek at a friend's house when we were a lot younger, and we decided to hide in her mom's room. Now this moment may have lasted not more than 3 seconds, but to me, I saw it in slow-motion. Sitting on her mom's dressing table was a short object, shaped similar to a clothes stand - only it was for bangles! She had so many bangles in all the different colours out there in display. It was so beautiful! It was love at first sight. That day I made a secret promise to myself - some day, I too shall own a bangles stand and will display all the different coloured bangles I own!

I grew up and that self-promise sort of went on hold. Until I visited some distant relatives in Sri Lanka last summer and noticed that ALL the married girls have one of those in their rooms.

In the Indian culture, bangles are considered to be linked to the social position and marital status of a woman. For example, in certain parts of the country, it is traditional for brides to receive white and red coloured bangles. This is because it is believed that white signifies new beginnings and red is a symbol of energy. After a Hindu woman is widowed, she breaks her glass wedding bangles in an act of mourning. Similarly, different colours are symbolic of various emotions or attributes:

Red ~ Energy / Love
Blue~ Tranquility / Wisdom
Purple ~ Independence
Green ~ Luck
Orange ~ Success
Yellow ~ Happiness
White ~ New Beginning or Purity
Black ~ Power / Strength
Silver ~ Strength / Purity
Gold ~  Fortune

 

In China, jade bangles, are thought to be representative of prosperity, luck, a long life and protection from the evil spirits. This positivity is doubled when a jade bangle is gifted to someone because both the gifter and the giftee are blessed with good fortune. 

 In Africa, bangles are considered as symbols of peace.

When I wear bangles I tend to mix and match a lot of the different colours together - making it appear like I am going through a cocktail of emotions and stages of my life all at the same time!

 Neurotic much? Sigh! Explains the high levels of drama in my life!

What colour bangle do you feel like wearing today?

Links used:


http://www.divavillage.com/article_archive.php?id=37845&section_name=Hot+Finds&pg=2
http://www.sensationalcolor.com/liveinfullcolor/give-the-gift-of-color-jingle-jangle-bangles/
http://www.ehow.com/about_5200088_do-indian-women-wear-bangles_.html

Sha! What a beauty?!

A few months ago we went to Sri Lanka for our summer holidays. It was the same ol Sri Lanka with its non existent traffic rules, tall coconut trees, hungry crows and statues of the very peaceful Buddha. Family members still stare at you, cousins still expect stories about how you paint the town red in your hot pants because you live abroad (an expectation that could not be farther away from reality!) and aunties will give you their opinion on what you look like, even though they haven't been asked for it. Their judgements will focus mainly on three categories:

Height: It does not matter what your height is. They will just have to comment on it. Nothing too complex. The comment will be a basic "she's tall, ah?" or "she's pretty short, no?". You do not necessarily have to be TALL to be labelled as tall. You just have to be tall according to Sri Lankan standards. For girls, an average height of 5 ft 2 inches would easily be considered as tall. Also, if you're too tall (close to 6 ft) it may be seen as a slightly worrying issue for your parents (where will they find someone tall enough to marry her, ah?)

Weight: Slightly more complicated. I guess the scale goes like this: skinny - thin - slim/healthy - fat - overweight. Being 'slim'/healthy is preferred, but not clearly defined. What is perceived as slim/healthy could be chubby, curvy or just neither thin nor fat! It is also absolutely mandatory that your current weight be compared to your weight when you were last seen by your aunt (e.g. "You've lost a lot (of weight) ah?" or "Oh, you've put on (weight) no?").

Complexion: Now this is the racist bugger - complexion. Females are expected to be fair skinned. They are called white even though they are not necessarily what is commonly known as white (think snow white). Instead they could be the colour of tea with milk (when the tea is not too strong, and you can still taste the milk - not the kind I prefer) and be called white. If their skin is fairer than 'white' (this can be anything between a slight tan and snow white), they will be refereed to as 'white, white!' (yes, with the exclamation mark). In most cases, the complexion of the person will be spoken of in terms of how 'fair' they are, instead of the actual skin tone. For example, a dark skinned girl will most probably be described as "not fair at all" instead of simply "dark skinned". For men, it is acceptable to be any skin shade, but again, the fairer, the more they are considered as attractive.

In many cases, the height and even the weight may be overlooked, but the complexion is at a higher point. If it's not clear already, let me spell it out: in our culture - fair is beautiful. Therefore the popularity of skin whiting products among both women and men (but most commonly women). 

Height, weight and complexion of skin become even more important factors (in addition to other relevant points such as age, education, occupation, wealth, reputation, family background, neighbors, great-grandfather's occupation, size of house, size of family, length of hair, size of toes, etc) when it comes to judging ones eligibility for marriage. If you are Sri Lankan, your eligibility for marriage is probably being judged from the time your first tooth emerges but things get serious by the time you start walking without support.

People of Sri Lanka - you are people of Sri Lanka!! I can appreciate that every culture has their own perception of what is beautiful, but we are who we are. Why would you want to see being fair skinned as the ultimate beauty factor when you come from an island in Asia who primarily have darker skin tones?

Having said that, why look at skin tones at all? Whether it is trying to judge a person to be beautiful or a suitable marriage partner for your son/daughter, is the exterior all that counts? How about what's inside?

That charming personality, charismatic smile, kind heart, ability to adapt to your family.

True beauty is more than what meets the eye. Have you ever had that moment when someone tells you about an act of goodness done by someone else; someone you have never met and have no idea what they look like and yet you feel their beauty? You feel it in the niceness of their character and the care in what they have done. Push yourselves past the superficiality. There is more to a person than the common social cultural perception of what makes people beautiful.

And I swear I'm not saying all of this because I am somewhat short, chubby, a darker shade of milk with tea and have still not met any suitors. Aunties (and secretly uncles) - we don't want your un-asked-for comments on how we look (unless you have nice and decent things to say - that boost to one's self esteem and ego is always welcome!). Talk to us and find out more about who we are rather than what shampoo or face wash we use.

Please excuse the excessive swearing and points irrelevant to this post but do watch, its quiet entertaining:

And this has pretty much nothing to do with what I wrote about today, but its a response to the previous video and is just hilarious (I thought so at least):

HarryPereira and JehanR are individual Lankan YouTube-ers who had made the above videos. I do not own or am in any way related to any of the videos. I am just copy/pasting their links. I also clearly do not know how to write disclaimers.

You are a beauty!

 

From Him we have come, and to Him we return

It was a Thursday morning. I need not say more. Any working/studying person in the Middle East will know and still not be able to explain the joys of being face-to-face with the weekend (which will no doubt pass by too quickly and we will be back on Sunday complaining that there aren’t enough weekends in a week!). Everybody who walked in, walked in with a smile.

And then we got the news – my supervisor’s father died. She’s trying to get a flight out of here to the U.S. to take care of the final things (funeral arrangements, his house and things, etc.). Apparently they were never close, but this sudden event has definitely shaken her up.

I lost my father almost a year ago (28^th September 2011, 28^th Shawaal). I was very close to him.

It amazed me how in spite of the depth of the relationship or the age of the surviving person (my coordinator is almost twice my age) – a loss is loss. A death is a death. A person gone is a person gone. It seems logical, but when you are in the grieving stage, you feel like you are the only person in the entire world going through this and nobody anywhere in whatever situation can feel the pain you are going through.

What I realized along the way is that time doesn’t actually heal any wounds. Instead, you learn to deal with those wounds – to live with them, to embrace them and to look beyond them. It’s been a year already, but I can still hear my father’s voice. I can feel his happiness and I am afraid to disappoint him. The truth is, my father is living – not in the same world as I, but instead he is in the REAL world. One day when all of our journeys end on this earth, I believe that we shall be rewarded for our deeds and we will be together, as a family once again. I look forward to that day. I actually do. Even if it means having to face one of my fears – death. I saw my father move forward so gracefully, and I hope that when my time comes, I will be able to embrace it and move towards the end of my test.

Don’t get me wrong. I’m not living a pointless, life-less life and waiting for my death to come to me. All I mean is that, when it does come (and it will) I want to be able to accept it and be prepared.

Many asked me what we did for his 1^st death anniversary. If we were living in Sri Lanka, we would have had a massive feast and invite the entire family, extended family and non-family over. There would have been recitations followed by some gossiping and an occasional complaint or two about how the food was not up to standards. It would become less about remembering the person lost, and more about the get-together – sort of a celebration that’s not being celebrated. Since we are here in the U.A.E. and do not have many family members with us, we just got together, recited together and spent time remembering him. Together. We were together at that moment. There wasn’t much crying or any depressions. We laughed at the funny memories he left behind and looked forward to achieving the dreams he had for his children. His children. We were the center of his existence.

The truth is we did nothing special for his first year. He isn’t remembered once a year. He is remembered every moment; every second. He is a part of us, just as much as we were a part of him. His departure has left an empty space in our lives and he can NEVER be replaced – not by a husband or children or grandchildren. I intend on giving them all my love, even though none of them exist yet, but they can never take the high place of a father; of my father.

My coordinator is back to her desk now. She seemed alright, yet not alright. A feeling I am familiar with yet cannot completely understand. As the days pass by and people stop asking about her sudden trip and her father, she seems to be getting better. Other issues at work take over and as far as the 9 hours I spend with her, 5 days a week are concerned, she’s okay. She has started to laugh whole heartedly again and throws a few sarcastic (yet non-offensive) jokes around occasionally.

Time won’t heal her wounds. Instead she will learn to deal with those wounds – to live with them, to embrace them and to look beyond them.

Don’t live your present life selfishly and save yourself from a guilt and regret laden future. Prioritize your family and do not take your parents for granted (you may think you don’t, but think again). 

Spread smiles and try to help those around you. No matter how much you feel like you deserve that last tuna cutlet or egg appa, look around and see if someone else deserves it more! What you really leave behind are the loving memories and acts of goodness that people will remember you by.  

From God we have come, and to Him we return. 

I love you Deda! <3

Surviving braces

Remember Donkey from Shrek? Yes, the talking donkey who turns out to be an annoying yet faithful companion and family friend to Shrek, his princess and their little kids. Remember his smile? No? Let me help you there then. This is what Donkey's smile was like:

My smile was 97.65% similar to that. Big teeth that was angled outwards (a lot more outward that Donkey's) was too much for a person who has self esteem that's the size of a golf ball to take. Okay I wasn't exactly bawling till my eye balls fell out or refusing to appear in public, but I did get conscious. With time, my teeth angled outwards even more! I could not smile with my mouth closed and taking passport photographs became a nightmare.

The solution was always there - get orthodontic braces. The problem was that these were too expensive (around 15 - 20 thousand Dirhams). Another problem was: I was shy. Yes, my constantly exposed teeth were making me conscious but the thought of how I would look in braces didn't help my self esteem too much. At the age of 21 I got a full time job and was able to afford my own orthodontic treatment, but I was 21! People normally got their braces in middle school and a lot of them were done by high school. Here I was finished with university and in a full time job working with adults. None of these hesitations make sense to me now as I type this, but at the time, it was the end of the world (and being a Sri Lankan didn't help either - we add higher levels of drama to spice up every normal act of life)!

I started reading blogs and forums about people's own experiences with braces and found out that there were a lot of people out there who started their orthodontic treatment after the age of 40! Suddenly, my age didn't seem to matter. Of course, with lots of encouragement came lots of horror stories too. Think along the lines of crying all day and all night, not being able to get any sleep, bullying, losing weight, spilling tears of blood, unable to chew or eat, regret and financial problems. I started to get scared. Again.

But I still went for it. My orthodontist said I needed 4 teeth to be extracted and the treatment would last 2 years (not including time with retainers) but I was comfortable with the doctor and he seemed to really know what he was doing. Plus, he had a great reputation and the price was extremely reasonable (still burning a hole in my wallet - but a small hole). Thankfully I found out that those horror stories didn't really apply to me. There was discomfort and embarrassment, but I didn't have to dig a hole and bury myself like I thought I would. Here are a few tips I discovered to be useful:

1. Iced tea or ice cream: or anything cold for that matter. It helps sooth the gums and makes the pain go away for a little while. Iced tea will become your new best friend (and they come in different flavors too!)
2. Soft food: On my 2nd day I was ambitious enough to bring rice for lunch. I mean, rice is soft enough, right? Wrong! It's soft, but not soft enough. If you're still going to go with rice make sure it's mushy and well, over-cooked really. Imagine you're cooking for a baby - mostly mashed food and liquids. You can add flavors you wouldn't normally add for babies of course. Try and stay away from hard biscuits, nuts, fizzy drinks or too much candy. Cut fruits into smaller, bite size pieces.
3. Orajel: or any other pain killer. I don't use any tablets because I have an extremely sensitive tummy (an embarrassment to extra spicy food eating Sri lankans. Did I tell you I almost got my citizenship revoked for it?) but Orajel is applied externally on the gums to numb it temporarily. It is used for children as well, so should be safe but I wouldn't recommend anything without first consulting with your doctor. I used it mainly before going to sleep so that I don't have to wake up in the middle of the night in discomfort. 
4. Sleep: Get as much sleep/rest as you can. It actually helps to deal with the whole pain/discomfort scene.
5. Brush: Make sure you carry a travel size tooth brush and toothpaste with you. Brush your teeth regularly, even if you are at the office, a restaurant or a friend's house. It is a bit awkward in the beginning, but you'll get used to it and honestly, no body cares about us spitting out toothpaste into the sink as much as we think they do. Make an alcohol-free mouthwash your new best friend. You do not want to have food stuck in between those braces!
6. Colours: I stuck to plain silver because I thought it would be unprofessional to have brackets filled with different colours on my teeth as I spoke to clients or management. Turns out, it wasn't! I was actually encouraged by one of my senior co-workers to "live a little" and at least get coloured braces. I went all wild and opted for green (my favorite colour) and turns out everyone at work loved it! They help me pick out a new colour every month now! Do try and feel what the norm is like at your work place though before you opt for flashy pink this month. 
7. Experiences: Getting used to having metal stuck on your teeth can take some getting used to. Being seen in public with metal stuck on your teeth can take even more getting used to. You will be surprised at the number of people who have either had or know people who have the procedure done though. They will have their own stories, experiences and tips to share. A lot of them will even sympathize with your pain and wince at your complains. It's all rather comforting actually.
8. Do it with someone: This is not possible for everyone, but one of the factors that really encouraged me and made it all much more bearable (not like I was going to fall to the ground in anguish and torment anyway) was that my two brothers and I embarked on this orthodontics treatment journey together. We all couldn't eat solid food for a while, all complained of discomfort, all rejoiced when we could eat and felt no discomfort, all went for our monthly check-up together. In a way, it sort of became a bonding session.
   
9. Smile: As self conscious as you feel about your teeth and the metal brackets, colourful plastic and wire on them, smile wholeheartedly. It only makes you look more beautiful. Really. People would appreciate a genuine smile a lot more than a covered one. Flash everyone a gorgeous, loving smile!

The whole pain/discomfort and eating cold or soft food thing doesn't last for more than the first 2 or 3 days after the monthly dentist visit so it's really not too bad (in comparison to the thought of staying up all night crying for 2 years!!!). I'm still on my journey with braces (8 months this October - another 16 months to go!) and will come back to add more tips and tricks I pick up along the way. If you have any of your own, please do share.

Have a smiley day!